Letting Go of “Shoulds”: How Therapy Can Help Reduce Self-Criticism
January has a particular way of amplifying self-criticism. As routines return and expectations creep back in, many people notice an internal voice that feels louder and harsher than usual.
You might catch yourself thinking things like:
I should be coping better by now
I should feel more motivated
I should have this sorted at my age
Often these thoughts appear automatically, without much reflection. They don’t feel dramatic or extreme — just familiar. But over time, they can take a real toll on mood, confidence, and wellbeing.
If you recognise this pattern, you’re not alone. Self-criticism is one of the most common difficulties people bring to therapy, particularly at the start of a new year.
What “Shoulds” Really Are
In therapy, we often describe “shoulds” as internal rules about how we believe we ought to think, feel, or behave. They’re usually learned gradually, shaped by upbringing, work culture, social expectations, or past experiences.
Unlike goals, “shoulds” don’t feel flexible. They tend to be rigid, absolute, and emotionally loaded. When we don’t meet them, the result is rarely motivation — it’s guilt, shame, or a sense of failure.
Over time, living under constant internal pressure can leave people feeling:
Tense or on edge
Never quite good enough
Afraid of slowing down or making mistakes
Emotionally exhausted
In my work, helping people understand and soften these internal pressures is often a key part of therapy.
Why Self-Criticism Feels So Persistent
Many people assume self-criticism exists because they’re not trying hard enough. In reality, self-criticism often develops as a coping strategy.
For some, it began as a way to stay safe, avoid mistakes, or gain approval. For others, it’s tied to responsibility, perfectionism, or fear of letting people down.
Over time, the critical voice becomes habitual. It shows up automatically — especially during transitions like the start of a new year — and it can feel difficult to switch off.
A big part of therapy involves helping people understand where this voice came from and how it’s affecting them now, rather than simply trying to silence it.
How Self-Criticism Affects Mood and Anxiety
Living with constant “shoulds” keeps the nervous system under pressure. Even when things are going well, there’s often a sense of needing to do more, be better, or try harder.
This can contribute to:
Ongoing anxiety
Low mood or emotional flatness
Difficulty relaxing
Burnout or exhaustion
Fear of failure or judgement
Many people I work with are outwardly high-functioning but internally exhausted. Therapy helps address this imbalance by looking at how internal expectations shape emotional experience.
What I Focus on in Therapy
When working with self-criticism, my approach is practical and collaborative. Rather than simply encouraging positive thinking, I help people:
Notice when “shoulds” show up and what triggers them
Understand how self-criticism developed and what purpose it once served
Identify patterns that keep pressure high
Develop a more balanced and supportive internal dialogue
This isn’t about lowering standards or becoming complacent. It’s about learning how to motivate yourself without relying on fear or self-punishment.
Reducing the Pressure to Be ‘Better’
January often brings a strong urge to improve, fix, or overhaul yourself. While growth can be positive, constant self-improvement driven by criticism tends to increase distress rather than reduce it.
In therapy, we often explore:
What’s genuinely important to you versus what you feel you should want
Whether your expectations are realistic in the context of your life
How much energy self-criticism is costing you
Many people find that when pressure reduces, clarity and motivation naturally increase.
Learning to Respond Differently to Mistakes
One of the biggest shifts people experience in therapy is learning to respond to mistakes or setbacks without spiralling into self-attack.
Instead of:
I’ve messed this up again
I should be better than this
They begin to develop responses that are firm but fair:
This didn’t go as planned — what can I learn from it?
This is difficult, and I’m doing my best
This shift can have a significant impact on confidence, resilience, and emotional wellbeing.
Why Compassion Isn’t Letting Yourself Off the Hook
A common concern is that reducing self-criticism will lead to lower standards or less achievement. In practice, the opposite is often true.
When people feel safer internally, they’re more likely to:
Take healthy risks
Persist through challenges
Recover more quickly from setbacks
Maintain motivation over time
Therapy helps create that internal sense of safety, so change feels sustainable rather than forced.
When Self-Criticism Might Be Worth Exploring in Therapy
You might consider reaching out for support if:
Your inner critic feels relentless or overwhelming
You struggle to feel satisfied, even when things go well
Mistakes feel emotionally costly
Pressure and guilt are affecting sleep or relationships
You don’t need to wait until things reach crisis point. Self-criticism can quietly erode wellbeing over time, and support can make a real difference.
A Kinder Way to End January
As January comes to a close, it can be helpful to reflect on how you’ve been speaking to yourself. If the month has been dominated by “shoulds” and pressure, that’s not a personal failure — it’s a pattern that can be understood and changed.
Therapy offers a space to step back from constant self-judgement and develop a more supportive relationship with yourself.
If you’d like to explore this further, you’re very welcome to book a free consultation via the link at the top of this page.
