Managing Christmas Conflict: An IPT Perspective on Communication
Christmas is often talked about as a time of connection, warmth and togetherness. And for some people, it really is. But for many others, it’s a season filled with pressure, awkward conversations and old conflicts resurfacing.
If you’ve ever found yourself dreading family gatherings, walking on eggshells around certain people, or replaying arguments long after Christmas dinner has ended, you’re certainly not alone. In my work as a therapist, I often hear that the festive period amplifies communication difficulties that already exist — it just brings them into sharper focus.
One helpful way of understanding and managing this is through Interpersonal Therapy (IPT). IPT is an evidence-based therapy that looks at how our relationships, roles and patterns of communication affect how we feel. Around Christmas, this perspective can be especially useful.
Why Christmas Brings Communication Difficulties to the Surface
Christmas comes with a lot of unspoken expectations. We expect people to behave differently, relationships to feel closer, and gatherings to go smoothly — often without actually saying any of this out loud.
You might expect:
Family members to be more considerate or supportive
Old conflicts to stay firmly in the past
Everyone to “just get on” for the sake of the day
When these expectations aren’t met, disappointment and frustration can build very quickly. IPT would describe this as a role dispute — where two or more people have different expectations about how they should relate to one another.
Role Disputes: A Common Christmas Pattern
Role disputes are a key focus in IPT, and Christmas is full of them. These might look like:
Disagreements about who is hosting or doing the cooking
Tension around how time is divided between families
Conflict about parenting, money, or lifestyle choices
Feeling criticised, dismissed, or not listened to
Often, these disputes aren’t really about Christmas at all. They’re about long-standing patterns that resurface when people spend more time together. IPT helps make sense of these patterns, rather than seeing them as personal failures or “just how families are”.
Looking at Communication, Not Blame
One thing I really value about IPT is that it focuses on communication, not blame. Instead of asking, “Who’s at fault?”, we ask, “What happened in that interaction?”
A key IPT technique is communication analysis. This involves gently looking back at a conversation and exploring:
What was said
How it was said
What was meant
How it was received
For example, a comment intended as helpful advice might land as criticism. Or silence might be meant as self-protection but interpreted as rejection. When emotions are running high, these misunderstandings become much more likely.
Small Changes That Can Reduce Conflict
You don’t need perfect communication to get through Christmas. Small, intentional changes can make a meaningful difference.
Say What You Need — Gently
Rather than hoping others will notice how you feel, try putting it into words. Simple, clear statements like:
“I’d really appreciate a bit of quiet time later”
“I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and might step outside for a few minutes”
Clear communication reduces resentment and misunderstandings.
Use “I” Statements
When tensions rise, it’s easy to fall into “you always” or “you never”. IPT encourages using “I” statements instead:
“I feel hurt when…”
“I get anxious when…”
This helps others hear you without feeling attacked.
Accept That You Can’t Control Others
You can communicate clearly and kindly — but you can’t control how others respond. Part of managing Christmas conflict is recognising what is and isn’t within your control, and letting go of unrealistic expectations.
Have an Exit Strategy
It’s okay to take breaks. Stepping outside, changing the subject, or ending a visit earlier than planned isn’t failure — it’s self-care.
When Christmas Conflict Feels Like a Pattern
For some people, Christmas arguments feel like part of a much bigger picture. You might notice that:
Similar conflicts happen year after year
You avoid saying what you really feel
You feel anxious or low before seeing certain people
Relationships leave you feeling drained or misunderstood
This is where working therapeutically with an IPT framework can really help. In therapy, we can explore your specific relationships, identify recurring communication patterns, and practise new ways of expressing yourself more confidently and clearly.
How IPT Can Help Beyond the Festive Season
IPT isn’t about teaching you scripts or telling you what to say. It’s about understanding your relationships and helping you communicate in a way that feels authentic and effective.
People often find IPT helpful for:
Ongoing family or relationship conflict
Difficulty asserting boundaries
Feeling unheard or misunderstood
Low mood linked to interpersonal stress
If Christmas feels particularly difficult for you, it may be a sign that some of these patterns deserve attention — and support.
You Don’t Have to Manage This Alone
If you’ve read this and recognised yourself — whether it’s the anxiety before family gatherings, the arguments that linger, or the feeling of “why does this always happen?” — you don’t have to figure it out on your own.
Support can make a real difference. Working together, we can explore what’s happening in your relationships and help you develop healthier, more manageable ways of communicating — at Christmas and throughout the year.
If you feel you struggle with these difficulties, I’d encourage you to get in touch to discuss how therapy might help. Even having a space to talk things through can be a relief.
