New Year, New Starts: Setting Goals (Without Beating Yourself Up) – and How CBT Can Help
The New Year often arrives carrying a lot of expectation. We’re encouraged to reflect, reset, and reimagine ourselves as somehow improved versions of who we were just weeks before. For some people, that feels hopeful. For many others, it feels heavy, pressurised, or quietly anxiety-provoking.
If you’ve ever made New Year’s resolutions with the best of intentions, only to feel deflated or disappointed a few weeks later, you’re very much not alone. As a CBT therapist, I see this pattern a lot. The problem isn’t that you lack willpower or motivation. More often, it’s the way goals are set, the expectations attached to them, and the way we talk to ourselves when things don’t go perfectly.
This blog is about approaching the New Year a little more kindly, thinking differently about goals, and how Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help make change feel more realistic and sustainable.
The Pressure of a “Fresh Start”
The idea of a New Year’s fresh start is appealing. We’re surrounded by messages telling us this is the time to overhaul our lives: be healthier, more productive, more confident, more successful. While change can be positive, these messages often ignore how complex life actually is.
Many people come into January already feeling tired, burnt out, or stuck in patterns that didn’t magically reset at midnight on 31st December. When we pile unrealistic goals on top of that, it can quickly lead to feelings of failure, shame, or “what’s wrong with me?”
CBT encourages us to pause and look at what’s really going on beneath these patterns, rather than blaming ourselves.
Why Goals Often Don’t Stick
One common reason New Year goals fall apart is that they’re based on “shoulds” rather than values. Thoughts like:
“I should be fitter.”
“I should be more confident.”
“I should have my life sorted by now.”
These kinds of goals are often driven by self-criticism or comparison, rather than genuine desire or meaning. CBT helps us notice these unhelpful thinking patterns and gently challenge them.
Another issue is all-or-nothing thinking. For example, deciding to exercise every day, eat perfectly, or never feel anxious again. When life inevitably gets in the way, one missed day can quickly turn into “I’ve failed, so what’s the point?”
In CBT, we work on developing more flexible, compassionate ways of thinking that allow room for setbacks without giving up entirely.
A CBT-Friendly Way of Thinking About Goals
Rather than big, sweeping resolutions, CBT encourages smaller, more realistic changes that build over time. This might sound less exciting, but it’s often far more effective.
Instead of asking, “What should I change about myself this year?”, CBT invites questions like:
What’s currently making life harder for me?
What would help me cope a little better day to day?
What small change could make things feel even 10% easier?
These kinds of questions shift the focus away from “fixing yourself” and towards supporting yourself.
Understanding the Role of Thoughts
CBT is based on the idea that our thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, and behaviours are all connected. When it comes to goals, unhelpful thoughts can quietly sabotage our efforts.
For example:
“If I don’t do this perfectly, there’s no point.”
“Other people manage this, so I should too.”
“I’ve failed at this before, so I’ll probably fail again.”
In CBT, we learn to notice these thoughts, step back from them, and test how accurate or helpful they really are. This doesn’t mean forcing positive thinking, but developing a more balanced and realistic inner dialogue.
Over time, this can make working towards goals feel less emotionally draining and more manageable.
Behaviour Change That Actually Feels Possible
CBT places a strong emphasis on behaviour, but in a very practical, compassionate way. Rather than relying on motivation (which comes and goes), CBT focuses on building habits that fit into real life.
This might involve:
Breaking goals down into very small steps
Planning for obstacles rather than being surprised by them
Linking new behaviours to existing routines
Noticing what helps and what gets in the way
For example, instead of “I’ll go to the gym five times a week”, a CBT-informed goal might be “I’ll go for a 10-minute walk twice a week and see how that feels”. Small successes build confidence, which then makes bigger changes feel possible.
What If Your Goal Is About Mental Health?
Many New Year goals are really about wanting to feel better emotionally: less anxious, less low, more confident, more in control. CBT can be particularly helpful here, because it focuses on understanding patterns that keep difficulties going.
Rather than aiming to “never feel anxious again” (which isn’t realistic for any human), CBT might help you work towards:
Feeling more able to cope when anxiety shows up
Reducing avoidance
Responding to difficult thoughts in a kinder way
Re-engaging with things that matter to you
These shifts might be subtle at first, but they often lead to meaningful, lasting change.
Letting Go of the Timeline
Another helpful New Year reframe is letting go of the idea that change has to happen quickly. January can create a sense of urgency: “If I don’t sort this now, I never will.” CBT encourages patience and curiosity instead.
Change rarely happens in a straight line. There will be weeks where things feel easier, and others where old patterns resurface. That doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. It means you’re human.
Learning to respond to setbacks with understanding rather than criticism is often a key part of progress.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If you’re reading this and recognising yourself – perhaps feeling stuck in the same cycles every year, or frustrated that goals never seem to last – it might be worth getting some support.
CBT isn’t about telling you what your goals should be. It’s about helping you understand yourself better, work with your mind rather than against it, and make changes that actually fit your life.
If you’re considering making this year a little different, and you’d like support with goal setting, motivation, anxiety, low mood, or self-criticism, you’re very welcome to get in touch. Sometimes the most helpful new start isn’t a resolution, but a conversation.
Whatever this year holds for you, I hope you’re able to approach it with a bit more kindness towards yourself. Change is possible – and it doesn’t have to begin with pressure.
